it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
