I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
