his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
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