he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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