Where is the hickey?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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