Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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