from now on my penis is your penis
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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