today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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