then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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