yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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