there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
handjob tips. give me some.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
