My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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