As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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