You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
