Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
