you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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