I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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