I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
