Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
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I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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