This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.