I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
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My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
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I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.