im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
