I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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