So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
