I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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