he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
