oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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