omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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