she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
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