He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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