i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
