Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
