You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
