Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
