I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
