I think I won the penis lottery.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
