I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
