Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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