i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
