Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize