Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
