When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
