I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
We had to coat check the pizza.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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