I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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