He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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