I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I've blown a few things in my day
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
