I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
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