I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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