I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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