If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
