No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
