after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
