Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
