You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
