you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
